Friendship and caretaking...

[primsong]

I'm off this morning to do something difficult - In a nutshell, I have a longtime friend who developed something like chronic fatigue about three years ago. She'd never been strong, and a round of mono seems to have knocked her system down. She lost her job and subsisted on her savings until they were gone... she has no family but one uncle and very few friends and now we've ended up gradually supporting her in order to keep her under a roof and with food. But there reached a point that I realized our friendship was dead - I had become her caretaker, her keeper...our relationship was stressed until I wanted nothing to do with her as it became a greater and greater monetary strain and her needs became all that we ever talked about, again and again.

I cried out to the Lord, what was I to do? I couldn't just let her starve, but I couldn't take her into my own home either. I felt I was being taken advantage of on one hand while feeling that she had no other resources on the other. He told me all He asked of me was that I be her "friend." Not her caretaker, not her mother, not her keeper, nanny or nurse. Just her friend.

I told her we wouldn't be supporting her like this anymore, that it was killing our friendship and I only wanted to be a good friend. I got her started with a community foodbank for monthly groceries, with a bus program that gives transport to the poor and handicapped. I gave her boxes and tape to pack her belongings. We don't know where she's going, but we can't keep paying for her 2-bdroom apartment. She's packing. And today is one of the hardest things... today I go to take her two cats to a no-kill shelter.

They are the only "family" she has with her. She dotes on them. But she hasn't the energy to care for them and I can't pay her vet and food bills and also clean up her apartment after them. Not anymore. She is mourning, but resigned. It is bitter medicine, but I think it is good. It feels right, in spite of the pain of it. And no, I am *not* going to allow her to cast me as the Bad Guy either - I'm preparing to talk with her today about it, so she understands up front we are not being mean in "taking her cats away" - we have actually given and given until our hearts broke because we love her, as a person. And we will once again be friends soon, I hope.

Aiya... I could sure use a dose of cheerfulness today.

If you see this post, post me a cheerful note, a joke or a bright thought please. Thanks...

Comments

[iorhael94.livejournal.com]

Many hugs to you Prim! You've been a good friend and more, but you are also doing a very healthy thing both for yourself and for her too by setting these difficult boundaries (there's a wonderful book called "Boundaries" in case you've never read it...I can tell you more about it when I see you in a few weeks.) What you are doing takes *a lot* of courage and I applaud you for it...you've gone way above and beyond the call of friendship in my mind by helping her as much as you have. I had to do a similar thing a few years ago with someone and it was definitely difficult and I definitely felt the guilt both internally and externally...the relationship with this person was completely dragging me down but fortunately around that time is when I started meeting some of my wonderful LOTR friends :):)

I tend to think (and this is just a guess) that this friend might be needy no matter what the circumstances...neediness and overdependency is a state of mind...it may be aggravated by circumstances which then tend to make the caretaker feel more guilty but they would be needy no matter what...on the reverse side, there are some out there who are amazingly independent no matter what life throws their way.

Now for the lighter side...you may have seen this on my lj last week but it definitely brings me a few minutes of humor each time I watch it :):):)

{{{{Hugs}}}}

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/hobbits

[primsong.livejournal.com]

I'm all for proper boundaries, which is part of why she is in our lives - we took her in when my kids were tiny to break her out of her rabidly codependent and unhealthy family. She "nannied" them in exchange for bed and board while she and I worked on her social skills and got her to the point she could use the bus system and hold down a job. She saved up and managed to acquire her life dream - a place of her own, with her own furnishings, etc. She was doing well until this thing hit her. The loss of job, etc. pushed her back towards old codependent habits and it's been a long series of her "neediness"/guilt/whatever surfacing and having to be slapped back down. I guess after three years it finally wormed its way into my thinking enough I began to fall for the "guilt" one and I needed this wake-up call to get it back on even keel. ((((Iorhael)))))

The kitties are now at their new home, a large apartment with four other cats. The lady there had just adopted one out that morning and advertises for homes for them all the time - I think they'll be fine. My friend will be in mourning for them for a while, but I think it was a good thing.

[iorhael94.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, it sounds like the time was long overdue to break the ties there...